Friday, April 30, 2010

Boxing: the Brett Michaels of sports (dead but doesn’t know it yet).



Lets face it; no one really cares about boxing any more. Sure there are the boxing purists that will always love to watch it because of the technical aspects and beauty of watching two guys hit each other with pillows strapped to their hands, but for the majority of North America boxing hasn’t been a fun sport to watch in…well…when did Tyson bite Holyfield?

With the rise of Mixed Martial Arts watching boxing has become like watching half of a sport. Why would you watch two dudes only use their fists to beat each other when on the other channel they are hitting each other with theirs knees/elbows/faces/teeth. It’s the equivalent of watching a money knife fight without the knives…it’s still mildly entertaining, and they still get terribly injured, but it’s missing that special something.

It’s time for boxing to pack it in, hit the road. Maybe go underground for a while, like Haitian cockfighting or pleated dress pants. The WBA needs to regroup and take a page from the WWE by developing characters that people care about other than cocky Hispanic guys in Ed Hardy t-shirts trash talking what brand of energy drink the other guy endorses. Maybe they could come up with a white guy that dresses all fancy like and thinks he’s better than everyone, or a loveable hillbilly, or a guy that lives in a trash pile? Sure all of my knowledge of character development comes from 1980’s wrestling, but if it aint broke…

What gets me upset is that no one has the decency to tell boxing that it’s all over for them, which is just plain mean. They’re like the last kid to be picked up at daycare. We keep telling them things are OK, and that they’re loved; but deep down we know that no one cares about them and someday they’ll probably die from asphyxiation in a refrigerator box.

Seriously ask yourself when is the last time you got together with the boys and watched a Pay per view boxing match? Who the hell is the heavyweight champ these days? Why don’t they make Dolph Lundgren and Sylvester Stallone fight in real life?

Maybe I’m wrong…I tend to be wrong a lot.

Have a super duper weekend! Call me…we really need to talk more.

Chadwick M Smith

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Email response from Santa: RE: Dead Celebrity naughty/nice list

Hi Chad,

Santa here (HO HO HO), thanks for your email about what dead celebrities made the naughty or nice list this year. Nothing makes me feel better than taking time away from making toys and spreading the joy of the season more than answering your endless stream of pointless email requests that make me want to remove my brain with a FUCKING SHOTGUN!.

I am providing you with this confidential information so you will stop calling my house (drunk) at all hours babbling on and on about pointless ponzi schemes you want me to participate in and continuously jamming my gmail account with gay porn. Stay the hell away from me, forever.

Sincerely,

Santa

PS – DO NOT post this on your stupid Blog that no one reads or that dogshit Facebook page of yours. I hate you so much.


Dead Celebrity Naughty/Nice list 2009 (part 1 of 2)

NICE: Ricardo Montalban- He made us laugh and cry through the magic of Fantasy Island and coffee commercials but he makes the nice list because he was way ahead of the curve in making midgets popular on TV.

NAUGHTY: Michael Jackson- Ahhh MJ…there isn’t a list naughty enough for the things you did in your way too long life. My only regret is that I didn’t get to give you what I had in my sack this year…a box cutter to the cock.

NICE: Bea Arthur- She’s every guys go to person to think about when trying to avoid premature ejaculation. Now that she’s dead she’s even more of a hard on killer and we love her for it.

NAUGHTY:Adam Michael Goldstein (DJAM) - The pilot of the plane crash you were in was trying to play Santa and give the greatest gift of all, a world without you and that fucktard from Blink 182; but you messed it up and didn’t die. Thank God you got the hint and killed yourself with drugs.

NICE: David Carradine- He was in Kung Fu…so, you know…that was pretty cool I guess.

NAUGHTY: Ed McMahon- You’re responsible for guys at every party for the last 30 years saying “AHH OHHHH” and “You are CORRECT sir!”. Fuck you Ed.

NICE: Billy Mays- Your energy and life force will be missed. I blame your Coke dealer that kept coming at you with unbelievable one time offers and kept letting you pay for drugs in 4 easy installments.

NAUGHTY: John Hughes- You would have had to make 150 sequels to “Ferris Buellers day off” to make up for “Home Alone” you fucking hack.

NICE: Patrick Swayze- Near the end he looked like something a skeleton puked up but this only endeared him to me more as I loved the fact that I could now kick the piss out of Dalton.

NAUGHTY: Natasha Richardson- overheard @ Mt Trembant: Bonjour MADEMOISELLE Richardson, aimeriez-vous dépenser le supplémentaire 9,00 Canadien pour ajouter un casque à votre packet de location ? Non, zut alors !




Santa seems a little bitter this year….no?

Have a wonderful Holiday season full of magic, wonder and merriment.

Chadwick. M Smith

Thursday, December 3, 2009

CNN.com - AMERICAS Coffee news

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/12/02/tiger.professional.athletes.wives/index.html
Once again our friends at the journalistic shit pile that is CNN.com report on a popular story not like one of the biggest news sources on earth, but like they’re the drunken teenage sister of “The Coffee news”.

CNN decided it would be interesting to get some perspective on what Elin Nordegren (Wife to Tiger Woods) must go through on a daily basis as the spouse of most famous sportsman in the world. Instead of using what people in the business call “effort” and talking to the wife of anyone that we have actually heard of, they made the decision to get the emotional reaction of Erin Crispin…the wife of ex NBA Journeymen and current “Italian” league player Joe Crispin. Who better to give us a window into the fishbowl of the super famous than someone no one has ever heard of…makes sense right?

Erin Cripin gives us such quotes as "People tend to see the big-time athletes and think it is all glitz and glamour”. Yes Erin, we do think that of big time athletes but believe me when I tell you that no one’s going to confuse your life of shopping at Italy’s version of Walmart for discount baby food trying to stretch the 25$ a week salary your husband must be pulling down with “Glitz and Glamour”.

The reporter goes on to slap us in face with the fact that she interviewed the first names she found in her rolodex from 1987 by getting the opinion of Andrea Butler, wife of some dude that plays for the worlds biggest and most famous team…..the Washington Wizards. Butler says "I hate that people think we live this fairy-tale life”…I got news for you sweetheart, no one thinks you live a fairytale life because no one knows who the fuck you are.

CNN’s next big story is reportedly interview with Ryan Leaf that gives us the inside track to what it’s like to be Tom Brady.

Chadwick M. Smith

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Breaking up with the BMI calculator

Dear BMI Calculator, by the time you read this I’ll be gone….

The past few years with you have been hard. I stuck with you because I truly believed that you would change, I know now that I was only fooling myself. That’s not to say we didn’t have some good times (remember the time I got down to a 27.0 when I got food poisoning in India?), but ultimately I have to admit to myself that this relationship just simply isn’t working and make a clean break.

Don’t act like this is a big shock to you. I consider myself a pretty resilient person; I can handle being called fat by my friends, my family, my butcher… I know they mean well and want me to get thinner for my own health. You on the other hand constantly demand that I either lose 100 pounds or gain 15 inches to my height in order to fit into what you consider “Normal”. No matter what I try you won’t accept me as I am. How can we have a meaningful relationship when you don’t recognize how hard I have been hitting the gym lately? Instead of noticing that I’ve gained 15 pounds of muscle, you simply stop calling me “overweight” and start calling me “obese”.

I can see clearly now that the only way I could ever be good enough for you is of I hacked off both my legs and a good portion of my lower intestine and that’s a sacrifice I’m not willing to make.

I wish you well in the future, I’m sure you’ll lad on your feet and find someone else to berate with your constant judging. If you see me on the internet don’t stop to ask how I am or make small talk….it’s just to hard.

Goodbye forever.

Chad

Monday, November 30, 2009

Chad Smith presents: GYM TIPS FOR FAT GUYS!

It’s no secret that it can be difficult to get back to the gym when you feel like a fat guy that has just swallowed his weight in fat. If you gain weight as fast as I do then you know that a few weeks away from the gym can mean the difference between looking decent at the beach, and slinking out of the GAP realizing that the term XXL no longer applies to you. When you’re self conscious about your appearance the last thing you want to do is be around a bunch of in shape cuckolds who’ll stand around judging you for spending the last month on the couch watching Faulty towers on DVD.
Have no fear my lead boned friends. Here are some tips that will help you put down the remote, get back in the gym and on the road to rock hard abs, massive arms, ripped ears and dominate calves. IT’S GO TIME!

TIP 1: SCOUT OUT THE GYM BEFORE YOU JOIN

There’s nothing worse than signing a two year commitment to a gym (but they waived the signing fee and gave you a free gym bag!) and realizing after the second week that you would rather be prison raped than spend one more minute there. Do yourself a big favor and scout out all the possible gym options in your area before you join. You need to pick a gym that suits you…if you like it, you’ll spend more time there. Be honest with yourself on what you are actually trying to acomplish by going to the gym and you will find you fall into one of these categories (or not....what the hell do I know?)....


A) You’re a meathead that just wants to hang out, knock back supplements, wear a dental floss muscle shirt and do reps of 2-3 whist grunting your way to a 350 pound bench press. In this case you want to find a gym that caters to this sort of manly (and totally not trying to compensate for anything) attitude! Many gyms these days have a “no bandana” and “no grunting” policy….stay away from these fairy farms and find a place where your kind is accepted (Hint: these places usually have in house tanning beds…..sweeeeet!).


B) You’re a race nerd that wants to train for RACES…RACE, RAAACE!! You’re a person that talks non stop about their accomplishments in their last “Tri”, “Half Marathon” or what combination of various Gels and Goo’s are right for your body type. You will want a gym that has things like lots of treadmills, a pool and a ton of open area for stretching and using the exercise ball for your elite training exercises that make people crane their necks to figure out what the fuck you're trying to do. You’ll also want a gym that has in house Physiotherapy as you might get a discount on it with your membership. A good Sauna or Whirlpool will be a plus for you as well; this way you can ease your muscles after your 150 mile ride and chat with the gang about the super awesome new space age fiber spokes you just bought for your bike.

C) You’re a girl with no interest in training for anything in particular; you just want to get in shape damn it! In this case you want a gym that has a good selection of classes (yoga, kick boxing, mind stepping, etc). You’ll also want lots of Cardio equipment and a place that doesn’t intimidate you because it’s full of people that look like they work for a fitness magazine. You want a place that you feel comfortable in even when you feel like you’re so bloated someone could pop you with a pin. Again, the more comfortable you feel the more likely you will be to go.

D) You’re a guy with no interest in training for anything in particular; you just want to get in shape damn it! This is the category that most guys fall into. This is simple as all you need to do is find a place as close as possible to your house and get a membership. As long as it’s cheap and halfway clean you’re on the road to beach superstardom!

TIP 2: BUY SOME NICE WORKOUT CLOTHES

You already look like a slightly younger/dumpier Rodney Dangerfield, there’s no reason to add insult to injury by wearing that old Spuds McKenzie T-shirt and those oversized gym shorts you’ve had since high school. Go to a sports store and spend some dough on proper workout attire. This means sneakers, shorts and a cool (non cotton) top so you won’t look like you just fell in the pool after 10 minutes on the treadmill. Exercise gear has become pretty expensive so look at it as an investment. Hell, the entire outfit will probably only equal a few nights out at the bar. Cool gym clothes make you feel less self conscious and will at least make you look like you have entered a gym in the last 10 years.

Tip 3: DON’T MAKE "GYM BUDDIES"

It may seem harmless to chat someone up about things like last nights game, your sadness over celerity deaths, or how “vascular” they look…right? Wrong. The minute you open your mouth to someone at the gym you have just entered an unwritten social contract that states NOW YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME AT THE GYM UNTIL ONE OF US QUITS OR DIES. If you talk to people at the gym, your quick 45 minute lunch time power workout will become a 2 hour bull session with the type of asshole that likes to spend two hours hanging out in a gym talking. An easy way to avoid this is to make yourself unapproachable from the start. Keep your headphones turned way up, don’t make eye contact, wear a scowl…whatever it takes to keep those fuckers out of your way! It will make your workout shorter, more efficient, and much more enjoyable.


Tip 4: DON’T WORRY SO MUCH; EVERYONE IS TOO CONCERNED ABOUT THEMSELVES TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

Just kidding. This urban myth was made up by unattractive people to make them feel better about going out into public. Make no mistake about it, you’re being watched and judged. Deal with it fatso.

Have an outstanding December,

Chadwick M. Smith

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Oprah Winfery announces retirement….and the sound of 100,000 bon bons hitting the floor is heard



By now I’m sure most of you know it’s over, it’s all over. Come 2011 we’ll all have to find something else to do @ 4:00pm on a weekday. Many of us will be able to carry on as before because you know…we have jobs. For many people however it may be time to buy a pair of pants that actually has a waistband and re join society. This can be a daunting task as I know years of eating your “Me” mix of caramelized pork rinds and pretzels drizzled with chocolate sauce while watching celebrity chef doctors tell you its everyone else’s fault your such a load of shit has left you tired…and very confused.

Don’t worry my friend as it’s not the time to end it all in one final overdose of all natural vitamins and treadmill walking, it’s time to look back and give Oprah the praise she deserves for giving your sad, empty life meaning. I’m going to do my part by taking a look at how she has reached this level of popularity and go over a few things I’ll miss about our dear Oprah.

Why does America love her so much??

1. She’s a big fatty… just like us!

Nothing makes us feel better than turning on the TV and seeing that a person with a net worth of 2 billion dollars and access to an army of trainers and fat sucking surgeons still lacks the self control to disconnect the cookie dough IV that’s connected to that ham like arm of hers. If our hero Oprah can’t lose those extras 80 pounds why should WE be expected to? When she’s gone who will validate what a big, bed sore covered pile of fat I’ve become? Pass the chocolate dipped bacon fat…I’m depressed.

2. She couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a golden dick and a fist full of hundreds…just like us!

She’s rich, she’s famous, and she’s so successful she makes Mother Teresa look like the bad guy from Robocop. One area in her life where she hasn’t been able to get any real traction is the absolute train wreck that is her love life. Everyone loves to see one area in their lives that they are better at that a rich person. It allows the average middle aged woman to look down from her mighty tower of 3 failed marriages and trips to the emergency room from falling down the “stairs” and say “At least I WAS married…poor, poor Oprah”. As a bonus it teaches women the valuable lesson that if you want to be really, really, really rich and successful you can’t have kids or a husband dragging you down. You can however have an ambiguously gay guy and a “best friend” by your side. You’ll get there someday Oprah….you’ll get there someday.



What I’ll miss most:

Book CLUB!

I’m not sure what kind of joke the big chain stores think they are playing on us by carrying non Oprah approved books….but we’re not laughing. The big “O” on a front of a book lets us know that some intern at Harpo studios cared enough to decide for us what book we should read this month.

Remember that book by that guy who was a drug addict/alcoholic….but then it turned out he wasn’t really that bad off so Oprah wrecked his life? That was awesome.

Remember that book that told you the secret to life was just repeating your goals out loud like a psychotic Douche over and over again? But then it turned out it was a big crock of shit? That was great.

I guess it’s back to reading the backs of shampoo bottles and old Penthouse forum letters for me.


Really super duper awesome spin offs!

Be it the angry, emotionally abusive advice of Dr Phil or the Chardonnay and Oxycontin induced antics of Rachel Ray, we can all agree that Oprah has been a huge part of shaping today’s television landscape. She’s helped us answer the age old questions “Am I doing anything right?” (hint: no).

Not since “Happy days” has one show produced so many totally watchable spins offs…“Joanie loves Chachi” can suck a big bag of cock.

Watching celebrities suck her ass

No other celebrity makes other celebrities look and feel like worthless wastes of silicon and make up than Oprah. Seeing the planets biggest movie stars reduced to piles of fidgeting, uncomfortable teenage girls is just plain fun. It’s like they’re walking through a 30 minute minefield of knowing if they express themselves in any way, or say anything that may offend 4 million housewives they’ll be on the first dog sled out of Hollywood.







One way or the other we need to just accept that Oprahs reign of awesomeness is almost at an end. The good news is I heard through movies that the world is going to end in 2012 anyway so we only have to make it one painful year without Oprah. 2011 is going to suck.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Best real news story of the week - Ice skating bear kills Russian circus hand


I don’t care who you are (unless you’re the guys family I suppose) you really have to appreciate the comedic value of a bear on ice skates dragging a guy in a clown outfit across the ice by his neck. Before we get all sappy towards the deceased, let us keep in mind that this bear wasn’t out in the wild hunting for food, he didn’t escape from a zoo and run wild, nor was he inside a circus ring balancing on a ball on his nose (or is that seals?)….he was on ice skates to perform in a show….on ice*…
I have to assume if you are in the line of work of training bears to ice skate you must be aware of the inherent risks of being part of such an elite culture. In the same way as base jumpers know that before each jump there is a chance they may meet their death, bear ice skating instructors must know that each time they lace the Bauers on a grizzly it could be their last.
I like to think the last thought that went through Dmitrys partially detached head were happy ones, knowing that the headlines of his death would bring a smile to all who read it …and dying with a smile on your face is what its all about.
Thank you Dimitry, you’re an inspiration to us all.
*Thankfully they shot the bear. He deserved it….what kind of psychotic fucked in the head bear doesn’t want to learn to ice Skate?
Have the best weekend of your young lives, on me.
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