Chad Smith presents: GYM TIPS FOR FAT GUYS!

It’s no secret that it can be difficult to get back to the gym when you feel like a fat guy that has just swallowed his weight in fat. If you gain weight as fast as I do then you know that a few weeks away from the gym can mean the difference between looking decent at the beach, and slinking out of the GAP realizing that the term XXL no longer applies to you. When you’re self conscious about your appearance the last thing you want to do is be around a bunch of in shape cuckolds who’ll stand around judging you for spending the last month on the couch watching Faulty towers on DVD.

Have no fear my lead boned friends. Here are some tips that will help you put down the remote, get back in the gym and on the road to rock hard abs, massive arms, ripped ears and dominate calves. IT’S GO TIME!

TIP 1: SCOUT OUT THE GYM BEFORE YOU JOIN

There’s nothing worse than signing a two year commitment to a gym (but they waived the signing fee and gave you a free gym bag!) and realizing after the second week that you would rather be prison raped than spend one more minute there. Do yourself a big favor and scout out all the possible gym options in your area before you join. You need to pick a gym that suits you…if you like it, you’ll spend more time there. Be honest with yourself on what you are actually trying to acomplish by going to the gym and you will find you fall into one of these categories (or not....what the hell do I know?)....

A) You’re a meathead that just wants to hang out, knock back supplements, wear a dental floss muscle shirt and do reps of 2-3 whist grunting your way to a 350 pound bench press. In this case you want to find a gym that caters to this sort of manly (and totally not trying to compensate for anything) attitude! Many gyms these days have a “no bandana” and “no grunting” policy….stay away from these fairy farms and find a place where your kind is accepted (Hint: these places usually have in house tanning beds…..sweeeeet!).

B) You’re a race nerd that wants to train for RACES…RACE, RAAACE!! You’re a person that talks non stop about their accomplishments in their last “Tri”, “Half Marathon” or what combination of various Gels and Goo’s are right for your body type. You will want a gym that has things like lots of treadmills, a pool and a ton of open area for stretching and using the exercise ball for your elite training exercises that make people crane their necks to figure out what the fuck you're trying to do. You’ll also want a gym that has in house Physiotherapy as you might get a discount on it with your membership. A good Sauna or Whirlpool will be a plus for you as well; this way you can ease your muscles after your 150 mile ride and chat with the gang about the super awesome new space age fiber spokes you just bought for your bike.

C) You’re a girl with no interest in training for anything in particular; you just want to get in shape damn it! In this case you want a gym that has a good selection of classes (yoga, kick boxing, mind stepping, etc). You’ll also want lots of Cardio equipment and a place that doesn’t intimidate you because it’s full of people that look like they work for a fitness magazine. You want a place that you feel comfortable in even when you feel like you’re so bloated someone could pop you with a pin. Again, the more comfortable you feel the more likely you will be to go.

D) You’re a guy with no interest in training for anything in particular; you just want to get in shape damn it! This is the category that most guys fall into. This is simple as all you need to do is find a place as close as possible to your house and get a membership. As long as it’s cheap and halfway clean you’re on the road to beach superstardom!

TIP 2: BUY SOME NICE WORKOUT CLOTHES

You already look like a slightly younger/dumpier Rodney Dangerfield, there’s no reason to add insult to injury by wearing that old Spuds McKenzie T-shirt and those oversized gym shorts you’ve had since high school. Go to a sports store and spend some dough on proper workout attire. This means sneakers, shorts and a cool (non cotton) top so you won’t look like you just fell in the pool after 10 minutes on the treadmill. Exercise gear has become pretty expensive so look at it as an investment. Hell, the entire outfit will probably only equal a few nights out at the bar. Cool gym clothes make you feel less self conscious and will at least make you look like you have entered a gym in the last 10 years.

Tip 3: DON’T MAKE "GYM BUDDIES"

It may seem harmless to chat someone up about things like last nights game, your sadness over celerity deaths, or how “vascular” they look…right? Wrong. The minute you open your mouth to someone at the gym you have just entered an unwritten social contract that states NOW YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME AT THE GYM UNTIL ONE OF US QUITS OR DIES. If you talk to people at the gym, your quick 45 minute lunch time power workout will become a 2 hour bull session with the type of asshole that likes to spend two hours hanging out in a gym talking. An easy way to avoid this is to make yourself unapproachable from the start. Keep your headphones turned way up, don’t make eye contact, wear a scowl…whatever it takes to keep those fuckers out of your way! It will make your workout shorter, more efficient, and much more enjoyable.

Tip 4: DON’T WORRY SO MUCH; EVERYONE IS TOO CONCERNED ABOUT THEMSELVES TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

Just kidding. This urban myth was made up by unattractive people to make them feel better about going out into public. Make no mistake about it, you’re being watched and judged. Deal with it fatso.

Have an outstanding December,

Chadwick M. Smith