By now I’m sure most of you know it’s over, it’s all over. Come 2011 we’ll all have to find something else to do @ 4:00pm on a weekday. Many of us will be able to carry on as before because you know…we have jobs. For many people however it may be time to buy a pair of pants that actually has a waistband and re join society. This can be a daunting task as I know years of eating your “Me” mix of caramelized pork rinds and pretzels drizzled with chocolate sauce while watching celebrity chef doctors tell you its everyone else’s fault your such a load of shit has left you tired…and very confused.
Don’t worry my friend as it’s not the time to end it all in one final overdose of all natural vitamins and treadmill walking, it’s time to look back and give Oprah the praise she deserves for giving your sad, empty life meaning. I’m going to do my part by taking a look at how she has reached this level of popularity and go over a few things I’ll miss about our dear Oprah.
Why does America love her so much??
1. She’s a big fatty… just like us!
Nothing makes us feel better than turning on the TV and seeing that a person with a net worth of 2 billion dollars and access to an army of trainers and fat sucking surgeons still lacks the self control to disconnect the cookie dough IV that’s connected to that ham like arm of hers. If our hero Oprah can’t lose those extras 80 pounds why should WE be expected to? When she’s gone who will validate what a big, bed sore covered pile of fat I’ve become? Pass the chocolate dipped bacon fat…I’m depressed.
2. She couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a golden dick and a fist full of hundreds…just like us!
She’s rich, she’s famous, and she’s so successful she makes Mother Teresa look like the bad guy from Robocop. One area in her life where she hasn’t been able to get any real traction is the absolute train wreck that is her love life. Everyone loves to see one area in their lives that they are better at that a rich person. It allows the average middle aged woman to look down from her mighty tower of 3 failed marriages and trips to the emergency room from falling down the “stairs” and say “At least I WAS married…poor, poor Oprah”. As a bonus it teaches women the valuable lesson that if you want to be really, really, really rich and successful you can’t have kids or a husband dragging you down. You can however have an ambiguously gay guy and a “best friend” by your side. You’ll get there someday Oprah….you’ll get there someday.
What I’ll miss most:
Book CLUB!
I’m not sure what kind of joke the big chain stores think they are playing on us by carrying non Oprah approved books….but we’re not laughing. The big “O” on a front of a book lets us know that some intern at Harpo studios cared enough to decide for us what book we should read this month.
Remember that book by that guy who was a drug addict/alcoholic….but then it turned out he wasn’t really that bad off so Oprah wrecked his life? That was awesome.
Remember that book that told you the secret to life was just repeating your goals out loud like a psychotic Douche over and over again? But then it turned out it was a big crock of shit? That was great.
I guess it’s back to reading the backs of shampoo bottles and old Penthouse forum letters for me.
Really super duper awesome spin offs!
Be it the angry, emotionally abusive advice of Dr Phil or the Chardonnay and Oxycontin induced antics of Rachel Ray, we can all agree that Oprah has been a huge part of shaping today’s television landscape. She’s helped us answer the age old questions “Am I doing anything right?” (hint: no).
Not since “Happy days” has one show produced so many totally watchable spins offs…“Joanie loves Chachi” can suck a big bag of cock.
Watching celebrities suck her ass
No other celebrity makes other celebrities look and feel like worthless wastes of silicon and make up than Oprah. Seeing the planets biggest movie stars reduced to piles of fidgeting, uncomfortable teenage girls is just plain fun. It’s like they’re walking through a 30 minute minefield of knowing if they express themselves in any way, or say anything that may offend 4 million housewives they’ll be on the first dog sled out of Hollywood.
Don’t worry my friend as it’s not the time to end it all in one final overdose of all natural vitamins and treadmill walking, it’s time to look back and give Oprah the praise she deserves for giving your sad, empty life meaning. I’m going to do my part by taking a look at how she has reached this level of popularity and go over a few things I’ll miss about our dear Oprah.
Why does America love her so much??
1. She’s a big fatty… just like us!
Nothing makes us feel better than turning on the TV and seeing that a person with a net worth of 2 billion dollars and access to an army of trainers and fat sucking surgeons still lacks the self control to disconnect the cookie dough IV that’s connected to that ham like arm of hers. If our hero Oprah can’t lose those extras 80 pounds why should WE be expected to? When she’s gone who will validate what a big, bed sore covered pile of fat I’ve become? Pass the chocolate dipped bacon fat…I’m depressed.
2. She couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a golden dick and a fist full of hundreds…just like us!
She’s rich, she’s famous, and she’s so successful she makes Mother Teresa look like the bad guy from Robocop. One area in her life where she hasn’t been able to get any real traction is the absolute train wreck that is her love life. Everyone loves to see one area in their lives that they are better at that a rich person. It allows the average middle aged woman to look down from her mighty tower of 3 failed marriages and trips to the emergency room from falling down the “stairs” and say “At least I WAS married…poor, poor Oprah”. As a bonus it teaches women the valuable lesson that if you want to be really, really, really rich and successful you can’t have kids or a husband dragging you down. You can however have an ambiguously gay guy and a “best friend” by your side. You’ll get there someday Oprah….you’ll get there someday.
What I’ll miss most:
Book CLUB!
I’m not sure what kind of joke the big chain stores think they are playing on us by carrying non Oprah approved books….but we’re not laughing. The big “O” on a front of a book lets us know that some intern at Harpo studios cared enough to decide for us what book we should read this month.
Remember that book by that guy who was a drug addict/alcoholic….but then it turned out he wasn’t really that bad off so Oprah wrecked his life? That was awesome.
Remember that book that told you the secret to life was just repeating your goals out loud like a psychotic Douche over and over again? But then it turned out it was a big crock of shit? That was great.
I guess it’s back to reading the backs of shampoo bottles and old Penthouse forum letters for me.
Really super duper awesome spin offs!
Be it the angry, emotionally abusive advice of Dr Phil or the Chardonnay and Oxycontin induced antics of Rachel Ray, we can all agree that Oprah has been a huge part of shaping today’s television landscape. She’s helped us answer the age old questions “Am I doing anything right?” (hint: no).
Not since “Happy days” has one show produced so many totally watchable spins offs…“Joanie loves Chachi” can suck a big bag of cock.
Watching celebrities suck her ass
No other celebrity makes other celebrities look and feel like worthless wastes of silicon and make up than Oprah. Seeing the planets biggest movie stars reduced to piles of fidgeting, uncomfortable teenage girls is just plain fun. It’s like they’re walking through a 30 minute minefield of knowing if they express themselves in any way, or say anything that may offend 4 million housewives they’ll be on the first dog sled out of Hollywood.
One way or the other we need to just accept that Oprahs reign of awesomeness is almost at an end. The good news is I heard through movies that the world is going to end in 2012 anyway so we only have to make it one painful year without Oprah. 2011 is going to suck.
Hahaha, you're one funny fucker, mate.
ReplyDeleteTry living in Australia though, we more or less suck your cocks off with the amount of shit we copy, I mean fuck, Oprah came here recently for no apparent reason, did a whole bunch of public apperances and the brainless horde of people known as Australians actually bowed down when she came out like they were in a fucking mosque or some shit.
There is no hope left in the world.